How ready for winter are you... really?

Disclaimer: I am not, nor have I ever been or strive to be a Meteorologist. However, my first name is Gil…so I’ve got that going for me…which is nice. These are more the ravings of a madman which, as always, should be used for entertainment purposes and not for any kind of actual, factual forecast. Oh, and I’m also not a writer nor do I get paid to write this stuff. There seemed to be some confusion on that after my last article…as flattering as it may be. (Ed note: It’s true, he’s paid only in hugs.)

Remember how much fun last winter was?

If you like sarcasm as much as you like shitty weather then you’re….you know what? NO! I’m too pissed to be funny. I’m not pandering to the crowd anymore. The lot of you – you just feed off of weather porn, don’t you?

It was 68 god damn degrees today…on OCTOBER 29th! (Ed: Should I have published this earlier? Oops.) What in the actual fuck?

Now the fat cats at the National Weather Service (referred to henceforth as “Big Weather”) are telling us we’re likely to have another record breaking winter when we’re having, literally, the warmest year on record?! We’re destroying the planet, SHEEPLE! Soon Connecticut will be the new Florida. FLORIDA!! Is that what you want?!

Rob Lowe: "Literally"

You’re reading this in his voice, aren’t you?

Alright, now that I have the Louis Black impression out of my system I can illustrate the impending doom looming over New Haven in the not too distant future. Plowers call it “white gold”. Old people regale youngins with tales of walking to school in it. Both ways. Uphill.

If you live downtown you probably just call it “not my problem” and send angry letters passive aggressive emails to your landlord. Wherever you are in the food chain it’s still a pain in the ass. Winter is coming. Oh yes.

Winter is coming

Did… did I meme right? (Ed: Sorta)

Snow happens every winter but it seems not that long ago we were all saying insanely stupid things like “we haven’t had a good snow in ages” or “remember what snow was like when we were kids.” Yea, I remember. School shut down, parents did all the work and we, like the ungrateful millennials we have come to be, frolicked among the powdery fields without fear of bears or pedophiles.

Pedobear

Why not both?

I think we’re all pretty traumatized by the events of last January and February. In total, we saw around 100 inches of snow fall in the New Haven area. That’s just (pardon my French) bonkers. However, it was also frigid and that probably prevented even more snow from dumping on us.

Fast forward to this year and the appearance of what might be the biggest El Niño pattern ever recorded is slowly ramping up. We’re already seeing the effects of it in late October. Looking a gift horse in the mouth isn’t something I like to do (or understand), so the absurdly mild forecast is quite welcome to this public transport slave. The crux of the situation is: whatever El Niño gives must be paid back. Much like the angel of death there are no bargains to be had.

Gil Simmons

Offerings of bunt cake me be enough to sway him though…

Come early next year, we’ll be begging for last winter. El Niño may bring warmer air but it also brings tons and tons of moisture. And let’s be honest, there is no such thing as “warm” in January around here.

The second that mercury drops below freezing WE ARE BONED. I broke two shovels last year and almost killed a snow blower. I’m not made of shovels. I can’t just pluck snow blowers off my snow blower tree (they’re out of season).

And the kitty litter. My lord the kitty litter. It gets EVERYWHERE. There’s something about buying that stuff when you don’t own a cat that makes you feel….uneasy. It’s like buying baby clothes when you don’t have a baby.

What were we talking about?

Don’t be fooled. This looming winter is a sleeping dragon and we’re heading right into the belly of the beast. Feel free to collectively forget how to drive now. Might as well get this apocalypse started while it’s still nice out!

Hold on. Remember earlier when I mentioned that we are having the warmest year on record? Here’s a graphic from http://sealevel.climatecentral.org/ illustrating what New Haven could look like in 35 years. The top part shows how much of the city will be lost if we do nothing about our habits as a human race. The bottom half shows how much we lose EVEN IF we curb carbon emissions. As Marty McFly might say…it’s heavy.

Global Warming New Haven map

It’s like a million hipsters cried out in terror….and were suddenly silenced.