I remember, back when I was a teenager, one of my greatest fears was getting pulled over by the police. If you didn’t know, small-town cops have nothing better to do than harass teenagers who may or may not be doing drugs.
Luckily, here in the year 2024, these are worries of the past. It seems that the police have decided that no longer will they be dragged down by such mundane activities as pulling people over or enforcing traffic laws. I don’t know if its cause too many people chanted Defund the Police or if they’re just sick of their jobs like the rest of us.
But as Patrick Bateman once said:
There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil. All the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed.
He didn’t know it at the time, but he was talking about Connecticut drivers.
I can honestly no longer remember the last time I saw someone pulled over. Which is pretty remarkable, because I’d say on any given day, I see at least six drivers act in ways that make me think they are not aware they live in a world with other humans.
So I’ve decided to compile a list of all of the great, fun, super safe and considerate things you can do while driving now that the police no longer enforce traffic laws.
Run red lights
Of course, you could always run red lights a little. We’re all trying to get home to our kids or whatever.
Now, though, why stop after a couple of seconds? What, and let the government tell you when to stop?
Just go ahead and blow through that baby.
Go left on red
Fuck it, right? I once saw a Yale Security vehicle do this on Elm and Church.
I didn’t go to Yale, so maybe I’m just too stupid to understand how laws work?
Drive however fast you feel like
Those little speed limit signs are just suggestions. It doesn’t matter that you’re on a quiet residential road and there’s children around. You have a fast car and people need to know. Just go ahead and slam your foot down on that accelerator.
Does it matter that it’s 2 am or that there’s a stop sign 20 feet away? It does not.
Go ahead. Show everyone what a big man you are.
Your vehicle should be as loud as humanly possible
Every since you were a kid, and a dog killed your whole family in a kind of reverse John Wick situation, you’ve hated dogs. Which explains why you spend your nights driving through neighborhoods, gunning your engine and freaking out every dog in the six adjacent neighborhoods.
It’s vengeance, baby!
Street Takeovers
You know what, you’re right, I didn’t need to be anywhere today. My original plan of running errands at Home Depot was stupid. My new plan of watching 100 teenagers (and a suspicious number of middle aged men) sit around on dirt bikes and ATVs is actually way more fun and loud.
Double park
Since all people are now Uber Eats drivers, and Uber Eats pays approximately $7/hour, there’s no time to waste with such trivial things as parallel parking. Just go ahead and leave your car wherever. It’s fine. People will go around.
Double park in a bike lane
Why should you have to walk six additional feet to your destination? What are you, European? No. You pay your taxes, which means any asphalt is a perfectly good place to park your car. If cyclists wanted to get home safely to their families, they’d get in cars.
Watch TikTok videos while driving
Remember when everyone was like, “If you use your phone while driving we’ll pull you over.” That was cute.
Don’t bother to register your car
Honestly, who needs the hassle? Registration, taxes, insurance. Bunch of bureaucratic red tape. Who needs all that when you have a printer?
Just print out a fake little license plate and put it in your rear window. Bam, street legal!
A few weeks ago I had the audacity to ride my bicycle on the roads (I know, right?) and a driver honked at me. I flicked him off because I have a death wish, and the guy literally shouted to me:
“Bro you better watch out, this car ain’t registered.”
This guy threatened to murder an absolute stranger to get to a stop light slightly faster.
Cool.
If its not entirely obvious due to my ability to wield sarcasm and tone, I actually think its bad that we no longer enforce traffic laws. It emboldens the worst of us and puts everyone in harm’s way.
I don’t know if its a reflection of poor police morale post-BLM (in no way a reflection of the importance of the movement) and defund the police, or if we simply don’t have enough police in New Haven or what.
I just know that the last two years have certainly convinced me that we do, in fact, need laws and police and law enforcement. I hate getting pulled over as much as the next guy, and I know that some folks’ lives are legitimately in danger from police interactions, but I also know that this shit cannot continue.
What I do know is that in 2023, 64 pedestrians were killed in 1,474 crashes involving pedestrians in Connecticut.
That’s 28 accidents a week. That is not acceptable and our current strategy of Not Doing Shit isn’t working.
Do better, CT.
