New Haven NEEDS More Cafes

Let’s face it: There are simply not enough places to grab coffee in New Haven.

Sure, it SEEMS like you can’t throw a rock without hitting a cafe, but sometimes, I actually have to walk one, maybe even two blocks before I can get my hands on a glorious $4 cup of house blend in a tiny paper cup.

This aggression will not stand.

I am officially starting a movement requiring a local coffee shop be erected on every corner of New Haven.

(Editor’s Note: Claiming you’re starting a movement is the blog equivalent of Michael Scott’s bankcrupty delcaration.)

No longer will citizens have to coordinate long excursions through the seedy underbelly of our city just to get their morning/afternoon/just one more fix. No first world citizen should ever have to wonder where their next cup of caffeine is going to come from.

Where’s my Sarah McLachlan commercial?

No, seriously, everybody wins. Even the coffee shops. Especially the coffee shops.

After extensive research, I have discovered cafes are an economic anomaly. Typically, with more competition, prices go down (supply goes up, price goes down, right?).

Not cafes. Not in New Haven.

In New Haven, the only way to set yourself apart from the competition is to raise prices.

Any idiot can charge $2 for a cup of joe. Gas stations do it. And it’s trash.

Pour that in to a cup half the size, slap a faded stamp on it and sell it for double the price. Bam, now it’s artisan.

New Haven cafes shouldn’t stop there, either.

Where else can you get a year old chocolate chip cookie for a measly $2 or a way past its prime scone for $3.50? You know the ones I am talking about, the ones in the jar you are pretty sure haven’t been touched since the cafe opened.

I know what you’re thinking: pastries are not even part of a healthy breakfast anyways. (Sorry, France!) Well you’re in luck, for just $7.50 you can get yourself any number of cleverly-named breakfast sandwiches.

With names like “Up the River” or the “Cliffhanger” you know your breakfast sammy is going to be loaded with ingredients AND intellectual property.

Could you imagine the alternative? Getting in YOUR car and wasting YOUR gas to go grocery shopping. Then you would have spend YOUR time cooking for YOURSELF, blaspheme. I mean, even if you get that far, how are you suppose to enjoy that breakfast if it doesn’t have a witty name?

What, I’m supposed to name my own sandwiches like some pleb?

Are you going to go back to eating a plain old bacon egg and cheese after you’ve been eating “The Farm Hand”? No way.

These decisions are not solely based on convenience; no, these decisions are made only after a meticulous cost analysis. For example, consider how many more minutes of Netflix you can shove into the time you spend NOT cooking for yourself.

A measly average of $10 a morning adds up to around $280 a month (in February). A small price to pay to squeeze in an extra episode of Breaking Bad.

Cafes are more than an economic engine, they are pioneers of commerce. For instance, if you choose to dine in you get treated to world-class WiFi.

We are talking about download speeds hovering around 1mbps, not to mention the constant exposure to hackers. Where else can you meet your potential identity thief face to face while you sip on your $5 espresso (single shot) and troll Facebook with your political hot-takes?

If 8 ounces of caffeine aren’t enough to wake you up, cafes have a built in fail-safe to ensure the customer leaves woke as fuck (or “af,” as the kids say): the baristas.

Former art students begrudgingly concoct your chai latte, giving you that certain “fuck off” feel you need to start your nine hour work day as a cog in the corporate machine.

These are open minded, free spirited employees we are talking about here. So naturally, if you don’t dress, look, smell, and think exactly like them, you’re not welcome. The best part is they don’t even charge for the cardio you get while sprinting out the front doors to avoid another confrontation!

(Why am I giving them ideas?)

Clearly, cafe’s are more than just a place to grab a coffee, they are essential to the public good. It’s a place where people can get together and judge each other silently while sipping on their favorite beverage. A place where coffee and human gas mix into one intoxicating aroma. A place where pastries disintegrate by looking at them and coffee, well they have coffee. Which reminds me  this whole writing thing really takes a lot out of you, excuse me while I grab myself some coffee.

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