You Should Get a Moped

I recently got a new job. Yayyyy.

And as a reward to myself for acquiring a new job, I did what any red-blooded American would do: I spent the money I didn’t even have yet with a shiny credit card.

I bought a moped.

Or a scooter. I don’t know.

See, mopeds are actually bikes with motors. Which are not e-bikes. So technically, most “mopeds” are scooters. But scooters are also those little things you stand on and stop you from dating.

I digress.

So I bought a moped.

Here it is:

And you know what? It’s awesome. I thought it would be fun, and I was right. It is super fun.

You should get one, too.

You don’t even need a motorcycle license if you get a 49cc model, which is the most comical workaround.

“Okay, we are going to build an engine that is so, so close to being technically not a bicycle but don’t worry it’ll be 1 CC short” you goddamn geniuses.

New Haven is a Perfect Moped City

New Haven has everything you want in a moped-friendly city:

• Mostly flat
• Not too big
• Plenty of signs and bike racks to lock up to
• Totally insane drivers who don’t respect anything
• Ok that part isn’t good but at least they’re used to cyclists

I love bicycles as much as the next blogger. Maybe moreso.

But a ride to Lighthouse Point Park is almost a full hour from my house. And that’s a sweaty ride. Using my legs like some kind of caveman.

Yet on a moped it’s something like 20 minutes and I don’t have to sweat unless I think really hard about something like climate change or which pizza I like the most.

Plus, you look extremely cool. Especially if you wear a helmet. Girls and guys and others will be like “Damn who is that mysterious stranger on that lil 49cc moped I wonder if they’re single.”

I am.

More Than Enough Power

When I purchased the moped (through New Haven Power Sports on Whalley Avenue), the salesman told me a lot of folks get a scooter/moped and then immediately want to get a motorcycle because they enjoy it so much.

Not me. I’m like, “Wow this thing is fast enough… I… don’t think it’s a good idea to drive something that goes like 10 times faster than this.”

via GIPHY

Granted, going up a hill reminds you that you are a tiny spec of dust in an ever-expanding universe, but you already knew that. On flat land you can get that baby up to 40 mph which is more than enough speed for any New Haven street. (More, really.)

Plus, if you hit a pedestrian, they probably won’t die! (Except of embarrassment.)

European Travel

Every time I’ve traveled to Europe (which is a lot due to being Extremely Cultured), I’ve always marveled at how many mopeds there are on the roads. Due to the high population density, mopeds are a great way to get around Europe. They’re efficient, they’re easy to drive, they can get in between cars which is both fun and dangerous.

I always wondered why we don’t have more mopeds in America. Probably because we’re so obsessed with being cool. I’m not saying it’s all James Dean’s fault, but he certainly didn’t help.

So when someone is like “wow nice moped geek” just be like “I am extremely European” as they are already walking away high-fiving their friends.

Save the Earth

Lastly, driving a scooter is totally environmentally friendly. My moped gets 84 mpg. Eighty-four!!! Like that book everyone compares everything to.

Just wait until you go to fill it with gas and the things takes $3.00 worth of gas. It’s not even easy to fill you gotta go real slow cause it takes about 10 seconds to fill the thing. Think what you can do with that time! Learn Japanese! Play the piano!

The only thing stopping you from being a Japanese-speaking piano virtuoso is your car and how long it takes to fill the gas tank, plus the enormous cost as gas prices rise.

While everyone else is bitching and moaning about gas prices, you can just laugh on your way to the bank (via moped).

Isn’t it Dangerous?

Sure is!

But life is short, so you might as well enjoy it a little bit. Is it more dangerous than, say, sky diving or bungee jumping? I don’t know and I refuse to look it up, but probably.

But I am still alive as the time of this publication, so it’s probably fine! (And if I die afterwards, think how funny this will be!).

We Can Start a Moped Gang

Let me know when you get your moped so we can start a gang where we travel around and harass business owners by telling them how much we enjoy their delicious products.

via GIPHY